Desire, an attempt to solidify Self

Meditating is a lot about training oneself to be aware of the present moment, so when I meditate, focusing on my breathing, I try to remain present to whatever sensations are a part of my present.  This morning I found myself experiencing strong currents of desire.  The objects of the desire fluctuated and the objects weren’t the point.  As I encountered these sensations, I didn’t try to enter into dialogue with them but merely sought to be an observer of them.  I didn’t just go with the feelings, nor did I attempt to push them down or away, but I let them be: to rise, to vanish and then to return as something else.  In observing these sensations, I was hoping to gain some reference as to the purpose or what my ego intended to accomplish through them, were I to follow them.

After some time of experiencing these sensations then having them disappear, I came to understand that desire, at least for me this morning, was all about wanting to solidify self, to reinforce myself as a fixed and real entity.  This delusion causes me to cling to some things and to avoid others (clinging being the experience this morning).  I have found that avoidance is associated with fear (and anger): fear of failure, illness or even death.  The challenging part is to only be an observer of the present moment and not to pursue the emotions and sensations that are swirling, but it was helpful to experience the impermanence of these feelings, all while returning to the rhythm of my breath in the present moment.

The “Aha” moments in meditation, for me,  are almost always small but can be profoundly significant.  This is a small discovery, but one that will hopefully lead to observe more, follow after less.

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